Kallen: Remembering is not Enough
by Kallen's Pen
Summary: A year after Zero's death, Kallen wants to forget everything connected to Lelouch and the Black Rebellion. But how? When everything reminds her of him?
1. Chapter 1

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

She was swimming.

An endless cornucopia of the lightest blue and the deepest green seeped through her body, her arms, her legs, her fingers, her hair. Heat swamped her senses, sharpening them to a point absolute awareness of every sensation.

She didn't want to wake up.

Her muscles clenched and unclenched, the potency of her energy concentrated on every part of her body. The feeling was intense… feral.

She reveled in the power.

_Swim. Swim harder,_ she told herself, pushing the airless distance around her. _Swim faster._

It was an unbelievable wholly free experience. It was as if she was in a separate glass bottle filled to the brim of all the blessedness in the world. The environment vibrated with force and life.

Wishes, hopes, dreams, emotions…

Every secret whim, every quiet craving, every tantalizing desire in that single place, every human yearning ever placed inside the subconscious. They were all there, present and naked. For her to see, feel and experience.

_Fly. Swim,_ she whispered, hugging herself tighter in her lithe arms. She wasn't cold, she wasn't afraid even. Strange, considering every eerie apparition floating beside her, this was the safest place she could ever be.

_Except when beside him…_

Her light blue eyes snapped open. No. No more thinking of He who she cannot mention. He who she had failed to protect. He who she had once trusted and she had betrayed. He who had betrayed her as well. He who held an eternal piece of her heart… her SOUL in his hands.

Rage surged inside her but withered as quickly as it came. How can she be mad at someone who wasn't there anymore? How can she hate a memory of someone so infinitely important to her?

_No, he means nothing to me. He was just a pawn in fulfilling my brother's wish for an independent Japan,_ she thought. _Just as I was pawn to him in his mind games for our future._

The impulse to cry leapt through her mind. She was surprised. The last tears she had shed were far beyond her memory could recall.

_I can't cry here. I will not desecrate this place._

_Yes, this will be my home for now._

The glass spectacle around her was beautiful. Everywhere she looked, there was color and light perfusing her eyes. Indistinct shapes swirled around her and by instinct; she knew whether it was a little boy or alittle girl's dream.

This one was a little girl's. She was holding her mother's hand as she watched her father walk off, ready to join the Black Knights' ranks. She was thinking that she should've stopped her father, she was thinking that maybe if she'd run to him and held him back, she'd still be with him.

If only, if only, if only.

Those were the words running through the little' girl's mind.

If only she had prevented him from going off alone.

If only she had thought of a better plan to hold him off his plans, even for a little while.

If only she had grasped his hand, and made him known how important to her he was.

She stopped short. This was her wish she was dreaming of.

Panic flooded through her. _Stop it! Stop it, or else you'll die if you keep thinking about him!_

_But you're already dead without him,_ a voice answered back.

A sharp pain stabbed through her stomach. She bent, grimaced. It was worse than being gutted in the battlefield with no one around to find you. It was a stab of loneliness.

Gasping for air only made the pain worse. Frantically, she pumped her legs, trying to find a stable ground to lie on. But this was an alternate universe; no one was there save all the unspoken yearnings of the human soul, including her own.

She tried to scream for help, but her words died in her throat. She couldn't emit any sound.

_No! Help me!_

His face came towards her, compassionate, strong and beautiful.

The ache intensified.

_Help me . . . ._

Everything turned black.


	2. Chapter 2

"LELLOOUUU-!"

Kallen Stadfeld jolted out of bed, gun in hand. Her sheets flew from the bed and landed on the floor. Sweat poured from her face and curved on the smooth line of her jaw. She gripped the gun in both shaking hands.

No attacker in sight. Oh crap, she's so stupid.

Her bed was directly in front of the mirror and she saw what she was: a weakling dependent on her gun.

"No. No mention of He who has gone," she said, looking steadily at her reflection, at the image of the woman she is now and a shadow of who she used to be. "He'll never return."

Slowly she lowered the gun. The shock of the dream was still there. She didn't have dreams about him often, only when she was upset or stressed, which was precisely what she felt lately. Damn Ashford Academy. What decent school held a damn costume contest in January, anyway?

The early morning sun had barely permeated the room, and she still felt a little chilled. No wonder, she looked down. She was only wearing silk panties and shirt. Just the usual rememdy to your lonely nights, she mocked herself.

Her door barged open. "Kallen-chaaaaaannnn-!"

"What the hell! Gino!"

Gino _ stopped dead in his tracks. He looked kinda stupefied to see her half-naked and shivering. "Whoa, what happened here?" he peered curiously at the gun in her hand. "Rough night last night?"

Kallen reddened. It didn't take long for redheads to get pissed off. "Gino, you better-."

He didn't listen. He stuck his blonde head behind her. His eyes widened in glee. "Wow! Even your bed got messed up! Talk about roughing it up!"

"Gino-. . ."

Gino picked up the pink silk bed sheet from the floor, odd detached interest in his brazenly handsome face. "I didn't know you sleep in the raw."

"Go to hell, Gi-!"

The bastard had a little smile on his face. "Whoooeeee! I wonder what got you all worked up! Bet he's still here now, isn't he?" he chuckled. "Don't worry, I'll find him."

Kallen fired the gun, shattering the bedpost an inch away from Gino's cherubim face.

Gino froze, still holding the cloth on the edges. His cold blue eyes focused on Kallen's _ ones.

Kallen kept the gun level to his face. "Listen up, you stupid idiot. Next time it won't be the bed. If you don't get out of here in three seconds, I'll raise this gun and shoot your smug little face you wouldn't be able to take a sip of water anymore."

Kallen never felt his much anger at anyone. Ever. Even at-.

She winced. _No. Stop it, you pinhead. Quit torturing yourself._

"Are you hurt?" Gino asked, sounding completely serious. He still had the damned bed sheet on his arms! She wished he'd put it down.

"Just get out."

He shook his head slowly, his stupid ponytail mimicking his movements. This boy was a wild card. She's never been able to predict his movements, although they've been classmates for almost a year now at Ashford Academy.

"I heard you screaming and I thought you needed help," he amended. He began plucking at the silk. Kallen wanted to kill him. It was a gift from her mother. She received it when her mother had been released from the hospital a few months ago.

"I'm fine now, thank you," she answered stiffly.

"Will you please stop pointing that gun in my face!"

"If you put down my blanket, you idiot!"

The idiot grinned. His old self-confidence was back. The glimmer in his eyes returned and at once, Kallen felt relief. She wasn't very comfortable with the serious, _dangerous_ version of Gino back there.

"Why? Is this very important to you? Why?" he almost cried out mischievously. Sometimes, Gino was really no more than a boy. It's hard to believe that a year ago he was one of the _ Knights of Britannia and her opponent.

Sometimes, she did feel like forgetting she was the official bodyguard of -…

Her throat constricted.

"Just get out before I kill you," she yelled angrily.

"But why?" he persisted, stroking thee soft fabric now. He was almost purring like a kitten. "Is there some dirty-?"

Kallen shot off a tuft of his golden locks.

Gino yelped and dropped the sheets. "Geez, man! I was only kidding!"

Kallen laughed throatily. That meant tears were coming. No. Never. "I was, too. You should see me when I'm serious."

The boy laughed at her face. He picked up the silk and walked up to her. Kallen almost stepped back but she stood her ground, facing his beauty, his amazing eyes tat held laughter and death in an instant.

He draped the silk around her body carefully. Satisfied, he leaned toward her and whispered, "I'll look forward to that, Kallen."

When she heard the door close behind him, Kallen sank to her knees and cried.


End file.
